04. Terrible Doubt

Some day, I’m gonna look back at this, and I’m not sure whether I’d want to laugh or cry. Probably cry lol

Just a few days ago, I was in my room, laptop open, writing out a scene that had been plaguing me for weeks. And then suddenly, I just started bawling. Like actual tears - chest heaving type of cry. Anxiety affects many people and writers are not saved from it. I’m not saved from it. I recently left a job that I had for only a little while so I had more time to write and focus on my story. But as I was writing a particularly difficult scene, fear gripped me and I was convinced that the entire book was absolute hot garbage. Never mind that I had spent literal years developing it, but at that moment, I was convinced that this was the worst thing I’d ever written and the only person who would ever love it was me. And although I felt okay with that sentiment- that I could self-publish this story and not get a dime in return - I didn’t want the past months of marketing on social media to be in vain. I didn’t want to release a story into the world that meant so much to me, but would probably mean absolutely nothing to everyone else. I could scrap this whole idea and work on something else.

So, I called a friend.

She’s someone who answered back on the first text and called a second later. And I cried like a baby. So many times, writing can feel like a solo journey and most times it is. But there are moments like the one I had earlier this week where I feel like I’m screaming into an empty void, and I’m typing and working into godless hours of the night just for the words to disappoint me the next day. So, what do you do with all of this doubt?

Well, first I cried. What can I say? I’m a Cancer. I’m a crier. But after I got it all out, I told my friend all of my worries and she just sat and listened. I felt like I had a huge burden on my shoulders, trying to finish this story and also trying to find a way to monetize my talents while I’m out of work. I know that writing and creating is what I’m meant to do and I just didn’t want to work at any old job to sustain myself. (don’t get me wrong, I will if I really had to, and I have. But I’m at a place where I can ask myself where would I be happy. I realize it’s a privilege that many don’t have and I didn’t always have it. Community and family make it possible.)

I thought about the many other stories that I have waiting to be written that I feel would be more enticing to the public and I could possibly do well. But the Bonai Chronicles series is special to me. It’s my life. It’s about church culture, and community, and family, and doing what’s right, and learning who God is for yourself. And I realize that not many literary agents or publishers are looking for something like that. It’s very niche. Church-hurt? Religious trauma? Who’s looking for that?

After getting it all out and speaking with my friend, she told me how special Bonai Chronicles is to her. (She knows the entire Bonai universe. I’ve told her the SparkNotes on all six books. She’s the only fan right now). She told me that it may not be the big break that I need right now, and honestly, I don’t really expect it to be. But it helped clarify something for me.

I’m going to write it anyway. I’m going to finish it because it still deserves to be told even if it’s not matching up the right way in my head. Even if a bunch of literary agents passes on it. Because I’ve put so much work into it, God knows, that I can’t abandon it now.

I thought of ways to market it on social media that I can’t really disclose right now. But it’s okay to have doubts as a writer. It’s okay to think about other options if something isn’t working out. At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what is it that you really want. What is your dream?

Doubt can come and go, but your end goal? That fire that pushes you to keep going should keep burning, whether it’s a blazing inferno or glowing embers.

I can do this.

You can do this.